What I Used to Think High Vibration Meant

On overhelping, ego purges, and learning the difference between a favour and a friendship

SERIES: NEXT THOUGHT

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What do I consider high vibrational frequency?

Does it feel like constant happiness? Does it feel like peace? Does it feel like overgiving? Does it feel like helping others?

I think sometimes we get confused when we hear “high vibrational frequency” — or maybe it’s just me thinking out loud. For my entire life I’ve marched to the beat of my own drum. For most of my life, including now, I’ve done things my way. For me. But sometimes I find myself in these waves — the same emotions coming back, the same feeling, on repeat.

Now I get what it’s for, which I’ll get to later. But first let me tell you what this constant feeling has looked like in my life.

If there’s one key thing I’d say about myself, it’s this: I don’t like staying in negative energy. I don’t like being around people who complain, or who give more excuses than reasons for why they can’t do something, or who aren’t living up to their potential. And sometimes that includes myself. I’m self-aware enough to notice when the aggression starts seeping through, when my patience runs low, when my advice starts coming off harsh — and I know that’s a reflection of where I’m at, not just where they’re at. That’s how I know it’s time to shift and grow. I call it the ego purge. And sometimes it’s a hard adjustment, even on yourself.

I consider myself a very high vibrational person. Personally, I’m trying to reach a point of sovereignty — knowing I have it in me to keep fulfilling the person I believe I am. But sometimes I forget that wanting something always comes at a price. We just don’t know what we’ll have to give up to get it. And sometimes the thing we’re giving up is the very thing that’s been holding us back.

There are more stories in my head that I want to share, but I hold back sometimes because I feel like it would be too much, or because I know I can come off intimidating and harsh. Most of the time I like to be soft. It’s just that sometimes even my own ego gets fed up with the old version of myself, fighting for growth.

Which leaves me asking: what does a high vibrational person actually look like? And right now I think the answer I’m looking for isn’t what it looks like, but what it’s supposed to feel like. I realized I’d been looking at it from the wrong perspective entirely.

One of the qualities I’m trying to get rid of, or at least do a lot less of, is helping others. My time is done with the helping phase. I have helped so many people to a point where it doesn’t even make me feel good anymore.

This is something I battle with. I have a tendency to fill the emotional void in other people’s lives — a habit of overgiving and overhelping, and in the end I know that’s my problem. I used to hold people accountable for it. I used to hope, expect even, that it would be reciprocated in some way. It never is. Or maybe it is, just not to my expectations. And there’s the other problem: my expectations are high, and frankly I need to stop lowering them, because every time I do, I know it’s actually time to move on.

Here’s what I find confusing. In the moment of helping someone — giving them a ride, picking them up, listening to them, whatever it is — it makes me feel good. But slowly, in the background, every time I extend myself again, a build-up starts happening. And the build-up isn’t disappointment in them. It’s disappointment in myself, because I’m the one who keeps extending it. In the end, the lesson is mine to learn, not theirs. I tend to gravitate toward people who are emotionally unavailable. Being so confident myself, I forget sometimes that people need to go through their own life lessons. And what starts happening is an exchange of frequencies — the more I give my positive energy, the more I absorb their negative energy. Because instead of keeping a distance and staying in a teacher-observer mentality, I stay close enough to help and fill the void.

I understand this is one of my biggest life lessons to overcome. And every time I know I have to act on it, it’s a knowing that I have to be more of a bitch about it — tell it like it is instead of sugar-coating things. Because the sugar-coating isn’t landing.

So can my frequency still be high if I feel like more of a bitch, or come across as intimidating? For me, the answer is yes. I used to think staying in high vibration meant being caring, nurturing, and helpful. But here’s the thing — if you’re a grown adult and you need help with basic life skills, that’s a you problem, not a me problem. And here’s how I fall into the trap, where this lesson loops back at me: when I’m in a state of rage, it pushes me into detachment and solitude. That’s where I get things done — inside my home, pushing out more stories in one week than I normally would in three. That’s how I’ve always operated. And that’s where I notice the pattern that keeps looping back as a lesson I haven’t fully learned yet: I go quiet, I keep to myself, I work on my creative projects, I do the things that make me happy. And after some time, all that effort sends me a sign from the universe to keep going. But instead of motivating me to stay in that state, what actually happens is a lesson disguised as a distraction. My test comes back, as if I’ve suddenly forgotten what put me in the rage in the first place. I end up feeling bad for someone, and I stop what I’m doing — visit them, hang out with them, drive to another city to see them — because in that moment, all the work had built up into more confidence, and instead of staying focused on myself, I give in and help. Sometimes I have to learn to be more selfless than I’m used to. So here’s how I think of it now: if you’re asking me for a favour that I’m capable of doing, you’re capable of doing it too. I never realized that what I thought was us hanging out wasn’t actually that at all.

So what I’m trying to say is — I thought helping was what kept me in high vibrational frequency. Turns out it was the opposite. And it turns out my high vibration is going to look different from yours. Each of us has our own version, depending on what our soul is asking of us. And sometimes that can look intimidating, selfish, even arrogant. But here’s what I stand behind: no matter what intimidating or selfish or arrogant looks like from the outside, I know I’m in my truth, and I’m speaking truth. If I hit a nerve because I was honest with you, that’s not a me problem, that’s a you problem. And if I stop showing up for you because I realized you don’t show up for me, that’s a you problem too — not mine, if you can’t show up for yourself. I’ve got things to do.

Here’s the thing — most people complain about work and house chores. Believe it or not, those two things are my love language. I love working from home. Doing house maintenance relaxes me, keeps me focused. I know this about myself. But here’s my problem: when I get the results I want — attention on my stories, finishing the next house project — I get such a high. And that high is what keeps me in my vibration, which is exactly why it makes me feel guilty when I can’t stop to help someone else. Helping people is my weakness, and at the same time, it’s the thing that pulls me away from focusing on what I actually need to do.

So here’s my new take on people-pleasing and helping: if you’re keeping me in this position, you’re no longer serving my purpose. But if you’re actively making me feel like a partner — now we’re talking. In family, friendships, and relationships, I know most of the time I don’t ask for anything in return. And when no one asks for anything in return, the only thing left for them to give is their time and attention. Not just a text when they need a favour. Because I already know I’m capable of doing most things on my own. So the least someone can do is actually want to spend time with me for no reason at all.

Sometimes all it takes is meeting one person who makes you look at everyone else in your life and think — wow, this person is so awake, I didn’t know this is what it felt like to be given the same attention back. I met a young man in French school. He’s twenty-six, highly intelligent, a lot of emotional intelligence. We sat next to each other in class and somehow that turned into a real friendship outside of it. I’m learning so much from him. I’ve never seen anyone take my advice this fast. And here’s the thing — this is a guy operating in his feminine energy. No, that doesn’t mean he’s gay. It means he’s deeply self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and we talk a lot about his life, his goals, his relationships. I share stories with him not because I’m offering them, but because he asks. He doesn’t ask for favours. He never needs help. I am so direct with him, and he loves it.

He’s not afraid to hang out with me — I always say you need a thick skin to go out with me — and he shows up anyway. Every time we get together and ask each other “okay, what have you done since the last time we met up,” I realize this was the conversation I was missing. This was the momentum I needed. This was the scaling I needed. He’s a young man trying to become a musician, putting himself out there, and we set these goals for ourselves — so that every time we leave a meet-up, it’s almost a quiet pressure to take action, because I’m not showing up to the next one with nothing new to report.

This is partner-level mentality. And this is what slowly shifted my frequency into something higher.

I kept looping from high vibration back down to low vibration because the people I was giving to weren’t doing the work themselves. I didn’t realize they were only coming back around when they hit their own low frequency. Meanwhile, I’m repeating the same advice, hearing the same stories, watching the same excuses dressed up as something else — when really it’s just low energy looking for attention.

Life lessons show up disguised in every shape and form, in every situation, through every kind of person. And very often, it’s the people we care about the most who make us the most oblivious to the obvious. So now I listen to my body. If after we talk I feel frustrated and tired, you’ve depleted my energy. If after we meet up I feel inspired and energized, that’s how I know which frequency to choose. No matter who you are.